WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
