Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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