I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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