Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
