I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
