Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
