life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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