woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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