just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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