If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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