it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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