I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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