There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my being single is dangerous.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
