ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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