there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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