The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
