i don't like sucking hair
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
