Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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