sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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