The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
