I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
