currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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