I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
