he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
