it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
