apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
