look no pants
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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