They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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