guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
