8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
