We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
