What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
