1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to make a zoo with you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
