you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
