my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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