I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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