your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
