The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
