Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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