You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
