Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
