my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize