so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
