I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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