Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
