she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
