Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
