Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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