oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
