my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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