umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
