It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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