I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
