What did I eat last night that was bloody?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
