I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
