I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
