They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
