I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Why is your signature on my underwear?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
