that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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